Hook: Are you an angry parent? Do you have an angry kid?
Mini-hooks: I was a dragon, constantly breathing fire and stomping on the emotions of those around me. While trying to cook dinner, my fighting kids raced through the kitchen, knocking me (and the pot of rice I was holding) over in the process. From my spot on the floor covered in rice, I screamed at my kids—not yelled or shouted—screamed. I have no shame (now) in admitting that I was an angry mom for the first few years of motherhood.
Everything You Need To Know About Anger and How To Fix It
What Is Anger?
Anger is an emotion just like joy, sadness, and excitement. It’s not inherently good or bad; it just is. Your reaction or response to anger, however, can be positive or negative. For parents, anger can be a hard pill to swallow because it is a big emotion caused by the little person you love so much. For kids, anger is often a response to internal dysregulation and feeling overwhelmed by big emotions.
Atomic Facts About Anger
- Anger is an emotion just like joy, sadness, and excitement.
- Your reaction or response to anger, however, can be positive or negative.
- Anger can be a substitution emotion.
- Anger can sometimes be a distraction from the underlying emotions.
- There are different types of anger, including passive aggressive, open aggression, and assertive anger.
- Anger also has stages, including a triggering event, physical symptoms, an angry explosion, and an aftermath.
- Anger is a learned behavior and often stems from experiences in childhood.
- Our world constantly demands our attention, and it can be overwhelming and overstimulating.
- Common anger triggers include defiance, not listening, tantrums, feeling embarrassed, feeling frustrated, whining, and sibling conflict.
- Exhaustion and technology can contribute to anger in parents.
Types of Anger
There are different types of anger, and understanding them can help you manage your emotions and respond to situations more effectively.
- Passive Aggressive Anger: Giving the silent treatment, pretending everything is fine when you are clearly upset.
- Open Aggression: Lashing out at those around you, shouting, criticizing.
- Assertive Anger: Holding firm on your boundaries, consciously choosing to validate your anger and respond to a situation.
Stages of Anger
Anger also has stages, both for parents and kids. Understanding these stages can help you recognize the signs of anger and take steps to prevent an angry explosion.
- Stage 1: Triggering Event: It starts with a triggering event or situation. Maybe you cut the sandwich into triangles instead of squares. Or perhaps your child used your new lipstick to draw a picture on the wall.
- Stage 2: Physical Symptoms: Next, the central nervous system (CNS) is activated, and you often experience physical symptoms. You might clench your fists or your jaw, and your heart rate might increase. Kids often start to breathe quicker and get red in the face.
- Stage 3: Angry Explosion: The combination of big emotions and an activated CNS often leads to an angry explosion. This can look like shouting and aggressive body language, and I’m sure you’re familiar with tantrums.
- Stage 4: Aftermath: Lastly, there is the aftermath of anger. Guilt, sadness, and exhaustion are common emotions, particularly for parents. Kids may feel insecure and frightened.
Why Do We Get Angry?
For many parents, anger is a go-to response from childhood. It is a learned behavior, and often, your “triggers” stem from experiences you had as a child. It’s very possible that you had a parent who struggled with emotional regulation, and so you never learned how to effectively deal with your feelings.
How to Fix Anger
Breaking the anger cycle requires a combination of understanding, self-awareness, and effective strategies. Here are some tips to help you get started:
- Recognize your triggers: Take time to reflect on your childhood experiences and identify the triggers that lead to your anger.
- Practice self-awareness: Pay attention to your physical symptoms and emotional responses, and take steps to manage them before they escalate.
- Use positive language: Speak kindly and respectfully to yourself and others, even in difficult situations.
- Seek support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for support and guidance.
- Develop healthy coping mechanisms: Engage in activities that help you relax and manage stress, such as exercise, meditation, or creative pursuits.
- Model healthy anger management: Show your kids how to manage anger in a healthy way by modeling it yourself.
Conclusion
Anger is a complex emotion that can be challenging to manage, but it is not impossible. By understanding the types of anger, stages of anger, and why we get angry, you can take steps to break the anger cycle and build a more peaceful and loving relationship with yourself and your children. Remember, anger is not inherently good or bad; it’s just a signal that something needs attention. By responding to anger in a positive and constructive way, you can create a more loving and supportive environment for everyone.
