Learn the most common oversight when it comes to disciplining a child and how shifting your perspective on your child’s behaviors will help improve them.
I think most of us would like to consider ourselves ‘the glass is half full’ kind of people. I’ve always been more of an optimist, having this solidified while sitting in Fraser Hall twenty (gulp) years ago while taking my Philosophy 101 class. Our teacher discussed two basic outlooks on humanity and how these perceptions held the potential to affect our thinking: humans were inherently good but sometimes do bad things OR humans were inherently evil and sometimes do good things. Looking back to childhood I’ve always had a bent towards optimism but also think seeing a world full of human complexity and pain through the eyes of my clients as a mental health counselor has expanded my belief that for the most part, we’re all doing the best we can with what we have while moving through this complicated world. One of my favorite quotes illustrating this concept is from the author Harper Lee in her famous book ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’. “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view . . . until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” This concept is a brilliant reminder that human beings are complex and more than an observable set of behavior to be assessed from the outside.
The Power of Perspective in Disciplining a Child
How does this relate to disciplining a child? I believe we often forget to extend this mindset of understanding and compassion to the group of people that are most vulnerable and are most in need of it, children. We fail to recognize that when it comes to a child’s behavior, there is much more there than meets the eye. Perspective is everything when it comes to disciplining a child. Why is it that when it comes to tiny little people and the behaviors they display we’ve given ourselves permission to assume the worst?
The Labels We Use to Describe Children’s Behaviors
When a child cries they are whiney. When a child argues they are disrespectful. When a child doesn’t listen they’re naughty. When a child has a meltdown they’re acting like a brat. If you’re nodding your head in agreement with these phrases and thinking “well, yes!”, then I’m compelled to ask, Are there ever times when you as a fully grown adult with a fully mature brain (capable of logic and reason) are whiny, argumentative, or have an emotional meltdown? If we look closer we can see that these ‘child’ behaviors are human behaviors , kids just need to practice them a whole lot more because they haven’t yet learned a more effective means to get their needs met, or haven’t yet undergone the development necessary to practice a better coping strategy.
The Importance of Understanding Underlying Needs
The thing about the labels ‘naughty, disrespectful and whiney’ is that they sound more like us adults personalizing our child’s behavior and less about what’s actually going on with our child. Because the truth of it is, a child’s behaviors don’t occur in isolation any more than ours do. Behaviors serve the important role of helping a child meet an underlying need and this is what we miss when it comes to disciplining a child. Getting curious about the needs that underlie our child’s behaviors is a game changer and allows us to discipline and guide them 100 times more effectively.
What If…?
What if… A whining child isn’t a brat but just needs more sleep. A child calling their sibling stupid isn’t malicious but is suffering from low self-esteem. A child being defiant is not disrespectful but seeking boundaries to provide a sense of security. A toddler hitting the new baby isn’t a monster but feels jealous and lonely and desperately needs connection. A child having a meltdown isn’t bad but scared. A child who keeps getting out of bed at night isn’t trying to ruin our life but is seeking comfort for anxiety and worries.
A New Approach to Discipline
So, what does this mean for us as parents and caregivers? It means we need to shift our perspective on our child’s behaviors and get curious about what’s driving them. We need to ask ourselves questions like:
- What is my child trying to accomplish with this behavior?
- What need is my child trying to meet?
- What can I do to help my child meet this need in a more positive way?
By taking this approach, we can begin to see our child’s behaviors as opportunities for growth and learning, rather than as problems to be solved. We can begin to develop a more compassionate and understanding relationship with our child, one that is based on empathy and understanding rather than judgment and criticism.
The Benefits of a New Approach to Discipline
So, what are the benefits of this new approach to discipline? For one, it can help us to build a stronger and more positive relationship with our child. It can also help us to reduce stress and anxiety in our child, and to promote healthy emotional development. By focusing on the underlying needs that drive our child’s behaviors, we can begin to address the root causes of these behaviors, rather than just treating the symptoms.
Conclusion
Disciplining a child is one of the most challenging and rewarding experiences that parents and caregivers will ever face. By shifting our perspective on our child’s behaviors and getting curious about what’s driving them, we can begin to develop a more compassionate and understanding relationship with our child. We can begin to see our child’s behaviors as opportunities for growth and learning, rather than as problems to be solved. And we can begin to promote healthy emotional development and reduce stress and anxiety in our child. So, the next time you find yourself feeling frustrated or overwhelmed by your child’s behavior, take a step back and ask yourself: “What is my child trying to accomplish with this behavior? What need is my child trying to meet? What can I do to help my child meet this need in a more positive way?” By doing so, you can begin to develop a more effective and compassionate approach to discipline that will benefit both you and your child.
Additional Resources
- ‘Positive Discipline Set’ (A child therapist’s BEST tools to guide you on your journey of learning to discipline without damage.
- ‘The Danish Way of Parenting: What the Happiest People in the World Know About Raising Confident, Capable Kids’ by Jessica Joelle Alexander and Iben Sandahl
- ‘Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason’ by Alfie Kohn
