The Tension Between Raising Good Kids and Giving Them Everything
One parent took to Reddit to get at the heart of the tension between raising good kids and giving them everything they need and at least most of what they want. User MemoryCool11 shared some concerns that their tweens have grown up with pretty easy lives, and as a result, they seem unable to tolerate even minor inconveniences. The poster explains that they and their husband grew up “poor,” and OP’s parents were immigrants who spoke English as a second language and had to work countless hours to make ends meet.
The Consequences of an Easy Life
As adults with a family of their own now, OP says they live a “very comfortable upper-middle-class life.” “My work in particular is very freelance, so I can always be there for school pickups, to drive my kids around to all their extracurriculars; they get to go on some pretty nice vacations. So my kids get to have a comfortable life AND an engaged parent at home. They’re good kids, and we’ve done pretty well not to spoil them with material things. They’re not the kinds of kids who care about brand-name stuff, wanting a lot of stuff in general, but I’ve found that because they have such easy, comfortable lives, they have not much capacity for dealing with even slight inconveniences.”
The Struggle to Adapt
For example, OP explains that if they’re five minutes late to pick the kids up after school, “they’ll literally throw me attitude like it’s the worst thing ever. They get frustrated easily over small things like having to switch dinner plans from like one nice restaurant to a slightly less nice one.” After visiting Universal with the “VIP experience” (fast passes, a dedicated guide, etc.), they complained nonstop during the next theme park visit without those perks. It’s not so much the complaining this parent is worried about, but “how quickly they go into unregulated frustration as soon as something isn’t immediately easy for them.”
Should You “Manufacture Hardship” for Your Kids?
OP asks, “Should I be manufacturing more hardship? Do we simply just not do things like the VIP experience (despite the ability to afford it) if that kind of frictionless existence makes them too spoiled?” And the comments answered. “It might be time to build some friction into their lives. Less buying the fast passes, more helping with yard work, doing more house chores, learning how to cook (can’t rush that and kneading dough for 8 minutes is a chore), having to reserve library books and wait for them to be ready, trying new things that are hard, hiking, rock climbing, being out in all weather, camping,” said one.
Building Resilience and Independence
Spending time outdoors was recommended a lot, actually. “I was a camp counselor a few times. Rich, poor, everyone’s going to learn some things about themselves on the ropes course and in the white water,” wrote one user. OP responded that her kids do like to hike, and commenters suggested the parent roll with that. “Could you try to increase the difficulty of these hobbies they already enjoy? Maybe they take the lead with navigation on the next hike? Or you try backpacking instead of camping in a drive-up campsite?” One commenter said it’s really not about making life harder for your kids, but about teaching them to be graceful under stress.
Teaching Kids to Be Graceful Under Stress
“You can build resilience, but they may have constantly comfortable lives. You can still teach them and expect them to not be spoiled about it. They can be disappointed or impatient without being rude. You don’t have to make them more uncomfortable to do that,” they wrote. Finally, in a comforting turn, one user suggested this problem might solve itself with age. “I’m finding with my kids, a lot of this grows with opportunities for independence. If I’m not there to solve everything for them, they learn to adapt and flex and innovate. I also make sure I am available to debrief their problem-solving and support the efforts, even if unsuccessful.”
A Parent’s Dilemma
As every parent realizes, these goals may be in conflict with one another. Everyone wants to raise good kids while also giving them everything they need and at least most of what they want. But what happens when your kids can’t tolerate even minor inconveniences? Should you “manufacture hardship” for them? The answer lies in finding a balance between giving your kids the comfort and security they need and teaching them the resilience and independence they require to thrive in life.
The Verdict
In conclusion, while it’s tempting to give your kids everything they need and want, it’s essential to remember that an easy life can have unintended consequences. By “manufacturing hardship” and teaching your kids to be resilient, you can help them develop the skills they need to navigate life’s challenges and become independent, capable individuals. It’s not about making life harder for your kids, but about teaching them to be gracious under stress and adaptable to change.
The Key Takeaways
- Parents want to raise good kids while giving them everything they need and most of what they want.
- Kids may have trouble tolerating minor inconveniences due to easy lives.
- Manufacturing hardship can help kids develop resilience.
- Exposure to inconvenience can teach kids to deal with stress and frustration.
- It’s not about making life harder for kids, but about teaching them to be gracious under stress.
- Building resilience can be done without constantly comfortable lives.
- Independence can help kids adapt and learn to deal with inconvenience.
- Parents should stop clearing their paths of friction and let kids practice problem-solving.
The Final Word
As a parent, you have the power to shape your child’s future by teaching them the skills they need to thrive in life. While it’s tempting to give your kids everything they need and want, remember that an easy life can have unintended consequences. By “manufacturing hardship” and teaching your kids to be resilient, you can help them develop the skills they need to navigate life’s challenges and become independent, capable individuals. So, go ahead and take the first step towards raising resilient kids. Your child’s future depends on it.
