Coregulation: What You Need to Know About this Parenting Buzzword
Hook: “Coregulation is the hottest word in parenting right now.”
Coregulation is a term that has been buzzing in the parenting community, but what does it really mean? In this article, we’ll dive into the world of coregulation and explore its significance in supporting your child’s emotional development. Think of coregulation as the precursor to self-regulation. By understanding this concept, you’ll be better equipped to help your child manage their emotions and develop essential life skills.
What Is Coregulation?
Have you ever cuddled your toddler after a tantrum or held your teen’s hand after a fight with a friend? Whenever you’ve offered comfort and connected with your child during a difficult moment, you have been helping them coregulate. Coregulation is grounding your child in your calmness while supporting their self-soothing skills. It’s letting them borrow your calm while you help them navigate big feelings.
Kids only start developing the skills they need to effectively manage their emotions at about age seven. Until then, they rely on you to help them navigate their emotions. Research shows that coregulation helps facilitate self-regulation and is a crucial step in learning to manage emotions in early childhood.
What does it mean to be “regulated,” though? When kids are regulated, they experience an appropriate level of emotion for the situation. For example, your child might feel disappointed that they lost a baseball game but move on after accepting defeat. However, dysregulation happens when kids struggle with their emotions and experience a bigger reaction than the situation warrants. If you have ever been on the receiving end of a tantrum from a toddler who can’t put on their shoe, then you know all about dysregulation. Dysregulation can send kids into fight, flight or freeze mode. Coregulation helps dysregulated kids move into a more regulated state.
What Does Coregulation Look Like?
Coregulation starts with self-aware adults. You need to be cognizant of your body language, facial expressions, and tone. When your child is spiraling, you want to be as calm as possible. There is a good chance that your child can’t tell you how they are feeling, so you need to be an emotion detective. Start by describing what you see.
“Hey, sweetie, I can see that you’re feeling really frustrated right now. I notice that your face is scrunched up, and your fists are clenched. It seems like you’re having a hard time with that puzzle.”
Naming the emotions you’re observing can help reduce some of your child’s overwhelm. It can also help them understand how the emotion feels in their body, which grounds them in the moment. Coregulation involves validating your child’s emotions.
“It’s okay to feel frustrated when things are challenging. Let’s take a deep breath together and try to figure it out. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help if you need it.”
Labeling and validating your child’s emotions during coregulation teaches them how to do it for themselves as they develop self-regulation skills.
Why Is Coregulation Important?
Coregulation is important because it makes your child feel safe and secure as they learn to manage their emotions independently. Coregulation is often subtle, such as a hug, hand-holding, or a back rub. You might not even realize that you are helping to keep your child balanced by connecting with them. However, those seemingly casual interactions are vital to the self-regulation process.
When you are there during your child’s big feelings, you allow them to “vent” to someone they have a secure attachment with. You are the calm in their storm as they process emotions. When you are calm and connected during tense situations, you model healthy emotional regulation. Kids need a good model of coregulation to self-regulate.
Coregulation Strategies for Parents
Although you have probably been regulating your child without knowing it, here are some strategies for being more mindful.
Model Emotional Regulation
Your kids learn by watching you. Model calmness, patience, and problem-solving skills in your own behavior to show them healthy ways to cope with emotions.
Practice Active Listening
When your child is upset, give them your undivided attention. Listen to their words, tone, and body language to understand what they’re feeling.
Use Emotional Labels
Label your child’s emotions to help them understand and process their feelings. This can be as simple as saying, “You seem really angry right now.”
Offer Comfort and Physical Touch
Physical touch can be incredibly comforting for children. Use hugs, hand-holding, or back rubs to help your child feel safe and secure.
Take a Break When Necessary
It’s okay to step away and calm down before dealing with your child. In fact, it’s essential to model self-regulation skills for your child.
Seek Support When You Need It
As a parent, it’s essential to have a support system in place. Reach out to family, friends, or a therapist when you need help regulating your own emotions.
By incorporating coregulation into your parenting practice, you can help your child develop essential life skills, such as emotional regulation, self-awareness, and problem-solving. Remember, coregulation is not about fixing your child’s emotions but about providing a safe and supportive environment for them to navigate their feelings.
