The Toddler Rodeo: Understanding the Real Reason Behind Your Child’s Behavior
I froze in shock as the slap landed smack on my nose. It wasn’t the first time I’d been hit in the face by a two-foot-tall tyrant, but it still hurt . I’ve been to the toddler rodeo before. This time though, I resolved to do things differently: I paused and took notice of my internal reaction. Did it hurt? Yes. Did it seriously tick me off? Yes. Did my child intend to hurt me? Certainly not. With a few toddlers of my own under my belt, I have some knowledge of children’s brain development . Thanks to my profession as a child and family therapist, I also have a larger repertoire of effective long-term discipline practices. And I now know that my squishy little two-year-old’s attempt to backhand me happens for good reason. I know that this behavior is surfacing to meet an underlying need crucial to his development and that there will be many more of these instances to come.
The Reality of Toddler Brain Development
A toddler’s brain is under construction. Most notable is their prefrontal cortex, or PFC, which is part of the cerebral cortex responsible for all of our higher functioning activities such as reasoning, logic, and goal-directed activity. In short, a toddler’s brain is under construction. This part of your child’s brain is growing rapidly during the toddler years (and won’t be done until adulthood). Just like any renovation, the area being worked on is sometimes off limits. We can use this knowledge to keep things in perspective. Your child’s biting or aggression is not a negative reflection on your parenting. Toddlers literally don’t have the consistent brain capacity for self-control. Therefore, instead of taking a breath and calmly asking Tommy for the red fire engine back, they punch him the face instead.
Understanding the Hallmarks of Toddlerhood
Aggression Oftentimes the first instances of our child’s aggression can be jarring and may involve a set of miniature teeth marks. Aggression in toddlers happens for several reasons, which can be readily explained by their brain development. Toddlers face many emotional and behavioral challenges due to rapid brain growth. Filling in the expectation gap with knowledge of the brain and healthy developmental milestones will help you survive and enjoy toddlerhood.
Behavioral Challenges of Toddlerhood
Tantrums and mood swings You’ve cut your toddler off from more string cheese, and suddenly your kitchen looks like an episode of a reality TV show, complete with tears, yelling, and articles of clothing flying through the air. Your toddler’s emotional center of the brain is becoming capable of more complex feelings, but the ability to understand and cope with them, not so much. Because your toddler lives in the moment, each seemingly mundane disappointment can turn into a full-blown tantrum.
Understanding the Root Causes of Toddler Behavior
- Unmet Needs: Watch for unmet needs your child may be communicating, such as overstimulation, hunger, tiredness, or lack of coping skills in overwhelming situations.
- Lack of Self-Control: Toddlers literally don’t have the consistent brain capacity for self-control. They may lash out due to frustration or overwhelm.
- Modeling Behavior: Model the appropriate behavior for your child and ask them to repeat.
Effective Strategies for Managing Toddler Behavior
- Stay Calm: Firm, clear limits while remaining calm yourself can help your child regulate their emotions.
- Model Appropriate Behavior: Model the behavior you want your child to exhibit, and ask them to repeat.
- Provide Emotional Regulation Tools: Teach your child healthy ways to express and regulate their emotions, such as deep breathing or using a “feelings chart.”
Conclusion
The real reason your toddler is acting like a maniac is not because they’re being naughty or trying to drive you crazy. It’s because their brain is under construction, and they’re still learning to regulate their emotions and behaviors. By understanding the underlying causes of their behavior and using effective strategies to manage it, you can support your child’s healthy development and enjoy the journey of toddlerhood.
The Verdict
Your child’s behavior is not a negative reflection on your parenting. With knowledge of the brain and healthy developmental milestones, you can not only survive toddlerhood but also enjoy it while supporting your little munchkin to the fullest.
