I’d say it was around my daughter’s third birthday when it became clear we were in over our heads.
As a licensed Child Therapist and a parent of a strong-willed child, I was about to learn an important lesson. The idea of being fully prepared to raise a child is a steaming pile of bullcrap. We had a degree in Child Psychology, but it didn’t prepare us for the unpredictable world of parenting a strong-willed child.
This is not how it was supposed to happen. We were expecting a child who would always listen to their parents and be easy to discipline. But what we got was a fierce pig-tailed little lady who had a mind of her own. We were about to learn that children don’t come with a ‘one size fits all’ tag. Each child has different needs that need to be met.
The conventional discipline approaches of punishments and harsh disapproval were not helping her to learn
When she would resist, we would push harder. When we pushed harder she would resist more. The gold standard conventional discipline approaches (according to the official organization of critical onlookers I suppose??) of punishments and harsh disapproval were not helping her to learn and were, in fact, increasing negative behaviors and oppositionality.
These strategies can be effective in shaping behavior for some kids (although the strategies still fail to get at the root of the problem, teach the skills needed for success, and pose the risk of leading to anxiety and low self-confidence down the road), but they will NOT be effective for disciplining a strong willed child. Not only do these quick surface level approaches not work to help a spirited strong-willed child gain internal values or motivation to do the right thing because they want to, they also create a rift of frustration and disconnect in the parent-child relationship, making an uphill batter feel even more difficult for everyone involved.
So how do you handle discipline with the strong-willed child in a way that will effectively teach them important life skills?
If you’re open to new perspectives and ways of responding to your child in challenging situations you’re halfway there. The other half is starting to understand the needs and drives of your strong-willed child that underlie their behaviors and responding to these instead of what comes out on the surface.
How to discipline a strong-willed child has long been a divisive topic.
From the ‘never back down, take no prisoners’ approach to ‘stumbling around inconsistently and giving in’, we forget about the important concept of middle ground. The sweet spot for disciplining a strong-willed child happens when you establish yourself as a strong and respectful leader, not a dictator or a doormat.
Here are 10 positive discipline strategies that will guide you toward finding that sweet spot when raising a strong willed child.
- Remember your ‘why’
Parenting with the goal of raising a great human is way harder than parenting with the goal of making our kid do what. we. want. right. now. Of course we all want to improve our child’s behavior but we need to consider the best way to do so. When it’s hard to dig deep and go in a new direction with discipline, keep in mind that your ‘why’ is raising a future adult with integrity and connection.
- Understand your child’s needs and drives
Each child has different needs that need to be met. When we respond to our child’s needs and drives, we create a sense of safety and security that fosters cooperation and communication.
- Establish a strong and respectful leader
As a parent, it’s essential to establish yourself as a strong and respectful leader, not a dictator or a doormat. This means setting clear boundaries, being consistent, and communicating in a respectful tone.
- Use positive language
Positive language is essential when disciplining a strong-willed child. Instead of using negative language, focus on what you want your child to do instead of what not to do.
- Create a connection
Connection always comes first when parenting a strong-willed child. When we create a close connected relationship, we foster cooperation and communication.
- Focus on the behavior, not the child
When disciplining a strong-willed child, it’s essential to focus on the behavior, not the child. This means using ‘I’ statements instead of ‘you’ statements, which can come across as accusatory.
- Use natural consequences
Natural consequences are consequences that occur naturally as a result of a child’s behavior. For example, if a child doesn’t put on their coat, they may get cold.
- Offer choices
Offering choices gives children a sense of control and agency. This can help to reduce oppositionality and increase cooperation.
- Teach problem-solving skills
Teaching problem-solving skills is essential when disciplining a strong-willed child. This means encouraging children to think critically and come up with solutions to problems.
- Practice empathy and understanding
Practicing empathy and understanding is essential when disciplining a strong-willed child. This means understanding that children make mistakes and that it’s okay to have different opinions.
Conclusion
Disciplining a strong-willed child can be challenging, but it’s not impossible. By using positive discipline strategies and creating a close connected relationship, we can foster cooperation and communication. Remember, discipline is not about punishing or controlling children; it’s about teaching them important life skills and values that will help them become successful and respectful adults.
