Only about 9% of young people who experience dating abuse ever come forward to ask for help. Meanwhile, 83% of parents in Hawaiʻi could not identify the warning signs of dating abuse, according to a recent survey by TAP808. These numbers reveal a gap that costs relationships and, in some cases, safety. Building a healthy relationship from the start is possible, but it requires knowledge, awareness, and the right support. The good news is that Hawaiʻi offers a model for prevention through the Teen Alert Program, and the healthy relationships tips shared here can help anyone — teens, parents, teachers, and young adults — build stronger connections from day one.
What Is TAP808 and Who Does It Serve?
TAP808 stands for the Teen Alert Program, a service run by the Domestic Violence Action Center in Hawaiʻi. The program works with young people ages 12 to 21, including middle school, high school, and college students. It also holds community workshops that teach the skills needed for healthy relationships.
Jordan Renfrow is the program manager at TAP808. He spent about a decade as a high school teacher before joining the Domestic Violence Action Center. Renfrow is also a survivor of domestic violence himself, which gives him a personal understanding of the challenges young people face.
“Prevention is the heart of our work,” Renfrow says. The team provides young people with the knowledge, skills, and support they need to build relationships that are safe, respectful, and fulfilling.
Way 1: Learn What Healthy Relationships Look Like Through Education
The first healthy relationships tips tip is straightforward: education is the foundation. TAP808 presentations introduce students to the core elements of a healthy relationship, including healthy communication, mutual respect, and compatibility. These are not abstract ideas. They are concrete skills that young people can practice every day.
When you know what a healthy relationship feels like, you are less likely to accept one that is not. Renfrow and his team walk participants through real scenarios, showing them how to express needs, listen actively, and set boundaries. This kind of education is especially powerful for teens who are still figuring out what normal looks like in a romantic partnership.
For parents, this means finding ways to talk about relationships early. You do not need to have all the answers. You just need to start the conversation. Ask your teen what they think makes a good friend, and then gently extend that question to what makes a good partner. The goal is to build a shared vocabulary around respect and care.
Why Is Prevention Focused on Teens?
Renfrow explains the reasoning simply: “This is the time when young people are figuring out what’s normal and what’s not. If we wait until later, harmful patterns may already be set.” That insight drives the entire TAP808 approach. Teenagers are forming their first romantic relationships during these years. Those early experiences shape their expectations for decades to come.
If a teenager learns that jealousy is a sign of love, they may carry that belief into adulthood. If they learn that demanding passwords is normal, they may never question it later. Prevention during the teen years is not just smart — it is essential. The patterns that form in adolescence often become the blueprint for adult relationships.
Way 2: Start Early Before Patterns Are Set
The second way to build a healthy relationship from the start is to begin the education process early. That does not mean having a single awkward conversation. It means creating an ongoing dialogue about what respect looks like, what boundaries feel like, and what love should not include.
Teachers and coaches can integrate these ideas into their work. A coach might talk about teamwork and respect on the field, then connect those ideas to romantic relationships. A teacher might use a story or a film to spark a discussion about consent and communication. The earlier these concepts are introduced, the more natural they become.
For parents, the key is to avoid lecture mode. Instead, use everyday moments. A scene in a movie, a friend’s breakup, or a news story can all be doorways into a conversation about healthy relationships. The goal is to make the topic feel normal, not scary or shameful.
What Are the Red Flags of Dating Abuse?
Renfrow lists several red flags that young people and their parents should watch for. These include jealousy, tracking someone’s location, demanding passwords, coercion, and social isolation. At first, some of these behaviors might seem flattering. A partner who wants to know where you are all the time might seem caring. But that kind of attention quickly becomes control.
Digital harassment is also a growing concern. Renfrow notes that harassment and warning signs of violence often show up in social media posts and messages. The tracking and stalking of young people has increased dramatically in recent years. A partner who demands access to your phone, your accounts, or your location is crossing a boundary, not showing affection.
Way 3: Recognize the Warning Signs Early
The third healthy relationships tips tip is to learn the red flags and take them seriously from the very beginning. If a partner shows jealousy early on, do not dismiss it as cute. If a partner asks for your passwords, that is a request for control, not trust. If a partner tries to isolate you from friends or family, that is a warning sign, not a sign of devotion.
For parents, this means staying informed about the specific behaviors that count as warning signs. The TAP808 survey found that 83% of parents in Hawaiʻi did not know these red flags. That is a knowledge gap that can be closed. Programs like the Parent Café, which TAP808 launched, help parents learn about teen relationships and the role social media plays in them.
Renfrow emphasizes that one trusted adult can make a significant difference. If a teen knows they can talk to a parent, teacher, or coach about what they are experiencing, they are more likely to seek help before the situation escalates.
How Many Teens Experience Dating Abuse?
The numbers are sobering. In the United States, 1 in 3 teens has been abused by a dating partner at some point. In the past year, 1 in 10 high school students experienced physical abuse from a partner. These statistics come from the Domestic Violence Action Center and reflect a widespread problem that touches every community.
This abuse is not always physical. It can include emotional manipulation, controlling behavior, and digital harassment. Renfrow and his team see all of these forms in their work. The impact on young people is profound. Abuse affects mental health, self-esteem, and academic performance. It can also shape how a person approaches relationships for the rest of their life.
Way 4: Understand That Abuse Takes Many Forms
The fourth way to build a healthy relationship from the start is to recognize that abuse is not limited to physical violence. Emotional abuse, digital harassment, and controlling behavior are just as harmful. A partner who belittles you, threatens you, or monitors your every move is not being loving. They are being abusive.
For young people, this distinction matters because emotional abuse often flies under the radar. It does not leave bruises, but it leaves scars. Learning to identify emotional abuse early is a critical skill. If a relationship makes you feel small, anxious, or afraid, that is a sign that something is wrong, even if no one has laid a hand on you.
Parents can help by talking about these less visible forms of abuse. Ask your teen what they think about partners who check their phones or demand to know where they are at all times. These conversations help young people build their own internal radar for unhealthy behavior.
Why Don’t More Young People Seek Help?
Shame and stigma are the biggest barriers. Only about 9% of youth who experience dating abuse come forward to ask for help. That means more than 90% suffer in silence. They may feel embarrassed, think they did something wrong, or worry that no one will believe them.
Some teens do not even recognize that what they are experiencing is abuse. They may think that jealousy is a sign of love or that control is a form of protection. This is why education is so important. Without the right framework, young people can normalize harmful behaviors and stay in relationships that damage them.
Way 5: Break the Silence and Overcome Shame
The fifth healthy relationships tips tip is to create a culture where asking for help is normal. That means parents, teachers, and coaches need to make it clear that they are safe people to talk to. It also means reducing the shame around dating abuse by talking about it openly and without judgment.
TAP808 offers one-on-one help, including safety planning, education, and accompaniment to court. These services are available to anyone who needs them. But they only work if young people feel able to reach out. Renfrow and his team are working to change that by building trust and showing young people that they will be taken seriously.
You may also enjoy reading: 7 Ways to Help Young People Maintain Mental Wellness.
For parents, the message is simple: be that trusted adult. Let your teen know that you are on their side, no matter what. Do not react with anger or blame if they tell you something difficult. Listen first. Ask questions later. Your response can make the difference between a teen who gets help and one who stays silent.
What Is the Parent Café?
TAP808 launched the Parent Café as a new workshop series for parents and caregivers. These workshops combine education with open conversation. Parents get to connect with other families and learn about teen relationships in a supportive environment.
At Parent Café workshops, parents learn about social media’s role in dating. Renfrow says that harassment and warning signs of violence often show up in social media posts and messages. Parents who understand these platforms are better equipped to spot problems early. The workshops also cover how to support a teen who is in an unhealthy relationship without pushing them away.
The Parent Café is part of a broader effort to involve adults in prevention. From July 2025 through February 2026, about 17,000 youths and adults attended TAP808 presentations and activities. That shows that the demand for this kind of education is real and growing.
How Parents Can Spot Early Red Flags Without Being Intrusive
Many parents worry about invading their teen’s privacy. That is a valid concern. Teenagers need space to grow and make their own choices. But there is a difference between being nosy and being attentive. Parents can spot red flags without snooping through phones or reading private messages.
Watch for changes in behavior. Is your teen suddenly withdrawn? Are they spending less time with friends? Do they seem anxious or secretive about their phone? These can be signs that something is off in a relationship. You do not need to know the details to notice the shift.
Another approach is to ask open-ended questions. Instead of “Are you okay?” try “How are things going with your partner?” or “What do you like most about spending time with them?” These questions invite conversation without pressure. The goal is to keep the lines of communication open so that your teen knows they can come to you if they need help.
Why Emotional and Digital Abuse Are as Harmful as Physical Violence
Renfrow is clear on this point: abuse can mean more than physical violence. Emotional manipulation, controlling behavior, and digital harassment cause real harm. A partner who uses secrets or photos as blackmail is engaging in coercion. A partner who isolates you from family and friends is practicing social abuse. These behaviors are not less serious than physical violence. They are just harder to see.
For young people, digital abuse is particularly tricky. Social media and messaging apps create constant access. A partner can track your location, demand immediate responses, and monitor your interactions with others. This kind of surveillance can feel suffocating, but it is often normalized as “caring” or “protective.”
Parents need to understand that digital abuse is real and that it leaves scars. Talk to your teen about privacy and consent in the digital space. Make sure they know that no one has the right to demand their passwords, track their location, or control their online interactions. These are boundaries worth protecting.
The Role of Peer Influence in Shaping Teen Relationship Norms
Teenagers are heavily influenced by their peers. What their friends think is normal often becomes what they think is normal. This is both a risk and an opportunity. If a teen’s friends accept controlling behavior as normal, that teen is more likely to tolerate it. But if a teen’s friends talk openly about respect and boundaries, that teen is more likely to expect those things in their own relationships.
Peer influence is one reason why TAP808 focuses on group workshops and presentations. When young people learn together, they can reinforce each other’s understanding. They can challenge each other’s assumptions. They can become allies for each other when a relationship turns unhealthy.
For parents, this means it is worth knowing who your teen’s friends are and what those friends think about relationships. You do not need to control their social circle. But you can encourage conversations that help your teen and their friends develop a shared standard of respect. When a group of friends all agree that jealousy is not okay, each individual is stronger for it.
Frequently Asked Questions
How can I tell if my teen’s relationship is unhealthy without invading their privacy?
Focus on behavioral changes rather than surveillance. If your teen becomes withdrawn, anxious, or secretive about their phone, those are signs worth noticing. Ask open-ended questions like “How do you feel when you are with your partner?” and listen without judgment. You do not need to see their messages to understand the dynamic. Trust your instincts, and keep the conversation going.
What is the difference between normal teenage relationship conflict and abuse?
Normal conflict involves disagreements about opinions, schedules, or preferences. Both partners can express their feelings and compromise without fear. Abuse involves control, intimidation, or coercion. One partner tries to dominate the other through jealousy, tracking, demands, isolation, or threats. If a partner makes you feel afraid, small, or trapped, that is not conflict. That is abuse. Trust how the relationship makes you feel, not just what it looks like on the surface.
Are these healthy relationships tips only for teens, or can adults use them too?
These tips are relevant for anyone at any age. The core principles of healthy communication, respect, boundaries, and recognizing red flags apply to adult relationships just as much as teenage ones. The difference is that teens are still forming their understanding of what is normal, which makes early education especially powerful. But adults who never learned these skills can absolutely benefit from them now. It is never too late to build a healthier relationship.
Building a healthy relationship from the start is not about having all the answers. It is about knowing what to look for, speaking up when something feels wrong, and surrounding yourself with people who respect your boundaries. The work that TAP808 does in Hawaiʻi shows that education and open conversation can change outcomes. One trusted adult, one honest conversation, and one moment of courage can make all the difference.
